Last month we discussed the way that the bible tells us to prepare ourselves for the inevitable grief that will come into our lives. Hopefully, much pain will be averted by attaining the maturity that the biblical writers expressed in this regard. In this issue we wish to deal with a related subject -- that of comforting others who are in grief. These two subjects are quite different, and those who might be quite proficient at handling setbacks in their own lives might be very inept in comforting others. Indeed, they might have no idea of the depth of pain being experienced by others.
It is a mistake to think that one can learn how to prepare for grief at the same time that grief is being experienced. While it is true that "to them that love God, all things work together for good" (Rom. 8:28), these are hardly words that will bring comfort to someone who has just lost a child. As Christians, we should be sensitive to the timing of our words, lest the truth we speak be counterproductive.
We owe many of the thoughts presented in this issue to Joyce Jamerson, who wrote quite candidly of the recent sudden death of her daughter (GRIEF IS A LONG JOURNEY, Guardian of Truth, May 16, 1996). She began by citing the first chapter of 2 Corinthians, which provides an excellent basis to launch our study. It brings to our recognition that we owe all comfort to God, who "is the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
These bible study questions provide assistance to you in studying and teaching God's word. The answers are quite clear, and they prove that we can have the same understanding as the apostles had by reading what they wrote (Ephesians 3:4). We challenge you to open your bible and establish the truth.
ON GIVING COMFORT (2 COR 1:3-11)
Is our God a God of mercies and comfort? (3)
Will He comfort us in all of our afflictions? (4)
What will this enable us to do? (4)
What is the purpose of our affliction? (6)
What is the purpose of our being comforted? (6)
What was Paul sure of? (7)
How bad was Paul's affliction? (8)
What was an example of Paul's afflictions? (9)
What did Paul say was one positive reason for this? (9)
Who would deliver Paul and us? (10)
What were they doing to help? (11)
What would this produce? (11)
Grief is one of the deepest emotional processes experienced by humans. At least at first, it is the response to the purest of emotions. Those who offer comfort should not expect to interrupt or avert the natural God-given process by which we are able to cope with loss. In this regard, there are a number of things that the potential comforter should avoid: (1) offering solutions, (2) stating that it could be worse, (3) stating how blessed we are, (4) asking: "how are you, really?" (how is a grieving person to respond?), or (5) stating "I know how you feel" (you don't). Many actions are well intentioned, the question is: do they apply the golden rule as expressed in Matthew 7:12?
With all of these negatives it might seem impossible to give comfort, and many good people avoid those who are grieving since they do not know what to say. This is not good. This is a time when the suffering need us most, and we dare not miss this opportunity to serve them. We saw last month the reasons that "it is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting" (Ecc. 7:2).
The grieving should be given support in expressing their grief in their own way and without embarrassment. Some only find the comfort of tears in the presence of others. Allow them this outlet, and do not be afraid of your own tears of empathy. Short, kind comments which avoid embarrassment are best. But if you do not know what to say, that is all right; say nothing at all. You are there, and you are concerned. Your love is what is important. In that moment when Jesus felt deeply the grief of those whom he loved, he said nothing ... he only wept (Jn. 11: 35).
The expression of your personal grief and knowledge of the deceased can be comforting. But more important than what you say is your willingness and ability to listen; really listen. It is they who need to express themselves in whatever way that their hearts dictate. But they should be allowed their silence as well.
This is not a time to modify the behavior of the grieving; it is the time to help them get through the worst of their pain. Let us pray for wisdom and understanding (James 1:5), let us study the meaning of love (1 Cor. 13), and then let us apply all of our love and wisdom to comforting those in their time of their distress.
I just don't know what to say ...
but the Apostle Paul said (1 Thes. 4:18):
"Wherefore comfort one another with these words."
The "words" that he was referring to were the following: "But we would not have you ignorant, brethren, concerning them that fall asleep; that ye sorrow not, even as the rest, who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also that are fallen asleep in Jesus will God bring with him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we that are alive, that are left unto the coming of the Lord, shall in no wise precede them that are fallen asleep. For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven, with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first; then we that are alive, that are left, shall together with them be caught up in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord."
Think of the comfort that your loved ones will have knowing that you are "in Jesus." Not only will it comfort them to know that you are safe in the arms of Jesus, but it will also motivate them to want to join you there when their lives are over. "It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting: for this is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart."